saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize
