I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
