My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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