True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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