I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
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you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
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Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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