we made out on top of his cat.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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