"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
