I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Then you guys just all showered together...?
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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