i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
