i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
