She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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