Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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