Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
