I faked an abortion last night.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
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Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
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i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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