Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Randomize
