o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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