I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
