So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
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