Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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