i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
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