somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
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There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
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we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
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