When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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