3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
