I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail