after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
He's on the porch naked. Help.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
