I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
