my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
