Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I can text with my tongue
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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