I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Everyone says I win the strip club
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
