so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
