my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
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