I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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