Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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