I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
What a dumb baby whore.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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