Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
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