I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
