By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
