He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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