Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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