i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize