i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
