You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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