i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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