I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
