He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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