i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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