well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
