$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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