The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
