so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
