You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
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making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
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I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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