think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
