On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
