Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
