just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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