he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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