Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
