good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
