My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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